The Devil and Garfield Logan
by Unfunny Joke
Summary: Every contract can be contested in court, but can they beat the devil herself?
1. Prologue

So here we are then, starting something that's been swirling in my mind for quite some time. Be sure to let me know what you think about this by dropping me a review? Thanks so much for reading.

-UFJ

**The Devil and Garfield Logan**

**Prologue** Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself  
**By:** Shawn "The Unfunny Joke" Wheeler  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are property of their rightful owners.

* * *

Rain fell from the sky, pouring down in record amounts onto the many buildings littering the currently abandoned Jump City streets. Hardly a soul wandered the streets in this weather unless absolutely necessary and even then it would only be after being ordered or coaxed.

But a single person, a girl looking to be around the age of 18, heading down the sidewalks, treating the current storm as if it were nothing more than a mild spring shower. Wearing a long, brown trench coat over business attire and boots to match she walks along, completely ignoring the winds, holding a small black umbrella for the minimal shelter she cares to have in one hand and a newspaper detailing the latest triumph of the local band of heroes in the other.

Truth be told, she loved this miserable weather; every crack of thunder, every flash of lightening and every single polluted drop of water. It was just the thing to put a damper on a person's day, and just the thing to put a smile on her face.

And she really needed to have that smile. Business was slow, and she was finding herself with more and more time off. And on top of everything, a business partner of sorts was constantly breathing down her neck about a favour she owed him.

Hell, how could she worry about helping him? Her first order of business was finding a job, but people today just didn't look for her particular brand of help as much as they used to.

If not for the steady source of regulars, her business would have dried up some time ago. But, like with most businesses, she just needed to find more people willing to accept her particular services.

Pausing briefly, the girl ducked into an alleyway, putting her umbrella to her side for a moment in order to light a cigarette. She inhaled deeply and sighed, blowing away as much of her stress as she could along with the smoke. It truly was amazing how much a simple habit like that could work to wash away all that was currently wrong in someone's world. As for the people that complained about second hand smoke; to hell with them.

She grinned at that last thought as she finished and flicked the butt of the cigarette further into the alley, slowly running her free hand through her shoulder length red hair. Once again she set off into the city, treading through the many puddles present on the sidewalks.

She moved slowly. She wasn't in a hurry, in fact she really had no place that she had to be. She never _had _to be anywhere. Walking just helped her think, and the weather was an added bonus.

It was a shame all she had to think about was her job and the quota she had set for herself all those years ago.

It wasn't like she was asking for much; not at all. All she needed was for someone, anyone, to say five simple words. That was it; she could take it from there. She was good enough to do that, she knew she was. But it was rare for someone to say that phrase anymore; people seemed to know better.

But wait…

Again, the strange girl stopped, this time focusing her attention. Listening to a conversation she was sure only she could hear. This was good. This was very good. It looked as if she may be back in business a little sooner than she thought. And to top it all off, she might be able to write off that favour she owed at the same time.

It was such a perfect situation. It was always such a thrill when marks presented themselves so openly.

She laughed to herself, a sound that was almost inhuman in nature, and once again walked into one of the alleys littering the large city. Despite Jump's reputation, it was probably best if people didn't see her means of expeditious travel.

With a quick glance of her surroundings and once last evil chuckle she was gone, vanished in a small puff of fire that left only the faintest smell of brimstone. Gone, and heading towards a small pizza place; where just a few moments ago she had heard exactly what she had wanted to hear.

"Sometimes I think I'd sell my soul just to have Raven laugh at one of my jokes again."

She was back. Vacations never suited her anyway.


	2. Chapter One

Much longer this time, due to it being the actual first chapter. The actual foundation of the story is built here, expect more references in future chapters.

Speaking of which, did anyone get the reference of the Prologue's title? A hint: It's musical. Come on people, these are the jokes. Can't you hear them knocking? (that was also another hint)

* * *

**Chapter One:** Unwitting Faust  
**By:** Shawn "The Unfunny Joke" Wheeler  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are property of their rightful owners.

Beast Boy had never been a believer that the weather and how a person was feeling could be connected. However, he found slight humour in the coincidence that, during a major storm that had forced the Titans to actually move inside for their weekly meal at the pizza place, he had just been put in a position that would normally make someone feel very low.

But, he knew that wasn't the case at all. It wasn't the weather, it was his friends. Specifically, his friends not laughing at any of the jokes he had just told. Even more specifically, his friend Raven not laughing at any of the jokes he had told, or the jokes before those, or the ones before them.

Truth be told, it had been almost two years since Raven had found anything he said to be worthy of a laugh. At least his other three friends found some of his humour to actually be worth a chuckle.

But Raven had not. Instead, during the last of his joke attempts she had rolled her eyes as she excused herself from the table stating that she was about to be sick and needed to use the restroom.

Okay… sure, he _was_ being a little melodramatic. He wasn't particularly upset with the way things had gone. They pretty much always went that way, and he had gotten used to the kind of relationship the two shared. But, he thought with an internal smirk, best to milk the situation for whatever he could.

"Makes her sick?" He rolled his eyes towards the direction that Raven had gone. "You know, a smile would have been nice; at the very least from one of you."

He pointed an accusing slice of pizza towards each of his other three friends while making a ridiculously overdone face.

Starfire, to her credit, seemed to feel quite upset about apparently causing such disappointment and immediately attempted to apologize.

"I am sorry Beast Boy, the next time you attempt a joke I shall smile despite my actual understanding."

This managed to receive a snicker from both Robin and Cyborg, and elicited a small groan from Beast Boy himself.

"Don't worry about it Star. You guys aren't even the one's I'm worried about. At least you find some of what I say funny." He took a bite of his cheese and veggie pizza before waving a hand back towards Raven, as she walked back towards the table. "She on the other hand is enough to drive someone crazy. Sometimes I think I'd sell my soul just to have Raven laugh at one of my jokes again."

"That's a little much, don't you think?" Cyborg had said it, and Robin was quick in agreement.

"Yeah Beast Boy, come on now, what's the big deal?"

They were probably right. What did it really matter if he ever got her to laugh again? Did his ego really need stroking that badly?

"It's not a big deal per se." It was true, in the greater scheme of things it really wasn't. He could admit that much. "It's just a promise I made, and that I intend to keep. One of these days, she will laugh at my jokes again."

He pounded his fist lightly on the table for emphasis, only drawing a few strange looks from around the restaurant.

"Wonderful," The dry voice of Raven stated as she returned and quietly retook her seat. "I now have further confirmation that I will never be rid of you."

Beast Boy's defiant tongue stuck out in protest to this comment, while at the same time Starfire asked about her wellbeing. She had excused herself due to illness after all.

"Are you alright? You could have asked me to accompany you if you needed any assistance."

"I'm fine Starfire, I was able to keep my dinner down. I think I'm starting to develop immunities to his jokes' side effects."

…

The remainder of the dinner went by in typical casual conversation, much like what would be seen among any close group of friends. Topics ranged from what was on television that evening to when the next planned training session was to take place.

Cyborg was the last to finish eating, a fairly normal occurrence. Beast Boy often wondered how his friend was able to keep up with his own animal metabolism. He probably cheated somehow.

When the last of the pizza had been finished, the cybernetic teen nodded his head towards the remaining Titans. Beast Boy and the others knew the signal; it was time to head home. Communication without words was also a sign of being around people for a long time.

Almost in unison, the five heroes rose from their seats and headed towards the exit. Beast Boy however did not hurry to join them.

"You guys go on ahead and pull the car around; it's my turn to pay." He then gave a small thumb up motion towards Cyborg with a small wink. "And try and park close to the door, okay Cy? It's still raining cats and dogs out there."

He got grumbles in return. Something about only remembering to pay when it stopped him from getting wet. He didn't really pay too close of attention to the whole thing.

Giving one last wave to his friends as they walked with frowns into the rain, Beast Boy thrust his hands into his pocket looking for the money he had grabbed on his way out of the Tower. While doing this, he also quickly turned on his heals to face towards the register.

Unfortunately, the combination of having one's hand in one's pocket while spinning haphazardly in a semicircle tends to cause one to not notice their surroundings. In this particular instance, Beast Boy was completely unaware of the attractive red haired girl walking by him until he had collided into her with his shoulder.

She was a fairly petite girl, roughly seventeen years old at quick estimation. Of course, she had fallen like a sack of bricks causing the poor green boy to feel about as bad as humanly possible; of all the rotten luck.

"I am _so _sorry!" He really, really was. "I wasn't looking where I was going! Are you alright? You didn't break anything did you? If you did, I have a friend… she can fix you right up!"

She took the hand that was offered to her and quickly brushed off whatever dirt might have attached to her. She was tall, only an inch or so shorter than Starfire. She was also quite good looking.

"I think I'll be fine Beast Boy, no need to go dragging Raven back through the rain for a few bruises. Besides, Cyborg won't want his upholstery to get any wetter than it needs to be."

"Okay…" It wasn't out of the ordinary for people to know who the Teen Titans were, but it was very strange how the girl in front of him talked about his friends in such a familiar way. "…do I know you?"

She gave a surprised yelp as her eyes widened, obviously understanding exactly how strange she had just sounded.

"No, no, no." She waved her hands in front of herself frantically. "I just follow you."

"Uh-huh… maybe getting the others isn't such a bad idea."

"No! I didn't mean that. I don't follow you in the literal sense; I'm just a fan. A really big fan."

Alright, that wasn't so bad. Beast Boy could handle fans; in fact he was quite fond of them. Especially the 'girl around his age' variety.

"Well it's always great to meet someone that appreciates what we do. Did you want an autograph or anything?"

The girl's eyes shot open and a smile grew on her face.

"You mean it? Oh man, all my friends are going to be so jealous."

She quickly grabbed for a pen and paper out of the small purse she was carrying and handed them over to him. He accepted the items and led the enthusiastic fan over to a table so he could more easily write.

"Alright, so who am I signing this for? I try to keep them personalized so they don't just end up on Ebay."

"If you wouldn't mind," The girl seemed to contemplate for a second on how to continue. "Could you make it out to Scratch?"

"Scratch, huh? That's an… interesting name."

"Not particularly, it's actually just a nickname I go by in some places. My real name is Lucy… but everyone always makes Charlie Brown jokes. You know, 'Where's Linus?' and stuff like that. Do you have any idea what it's like being compared to a character from a comic strip?"

Beast Boy had to stop from choking on the laughter that threatened to bubble out of his mouth.

"I think I can see what you mean." Not wanting to get into the conversation about his own name, Beast Boy was quick to change the subject. "So, what do you do; still in school?"

Lucy answered with a shake of her head.

"I'm not a fan of teachers, so I'm out on my own. I've been doing a bit of writing for the newspaper recently, but that's only to help supplement my income until my other job picks back up again."

The remainder of the conversation was short. Beast Boy had finished writing out the autograph for Lucy and handed it back to her, giving a large smile before getting up. He was about to say his goodbyes and leave, but a quick look at the fan's face easily showed that the girl wanted to ask, or at least say something else.

"So, did you need anything else?" She didn't look as if she was in any trouble, but it never hurt to ask. "Can I do something for you?"

"No, I'm fine." Her eyes seemed to sparkle, something that caught Beast Boy's attention and didn't want to let go. "But… you know, I think I might just be able to help _you_."

"Uh-huh."

He found he really couldn't say too much in reply to that, though for the life of him he couldn't understand what help she could possibly be.

"I overheard you during your meal, about how your friends wouldn't laugh at your jokes. Especially Raven. So, I thought I might offer you some help."

"Help?" Beast Boy said, as a strange shiver shook down his spine. "Getting Raven to laugh at my jokes? Look Lucy, as great as that would be, I really don't see you being successful at all. Why would you offer anyways?"

She looked so serious now. Still with a smile on her face, but now with the look of a used car salesman trying to strike a deal instead of the shy smile that had been there only moments before.

"Because, Beast Boy, I like to think I'm able to do what I can to help people. And I'll tell you what, if she doesn't laugh at a joke you tell by the end of the week, I'll take you out for dinner. It'll be my treat, just you and me."

Beast Boy's mouth dropped slightly, a sense of realization dawning on him. He was being asked out, but Lucy was obviously so nervous around him (and for good reason, he was very famous and _very_ good looking) that she had had to make up a ridiculous situation just to ask.

It was all very flattering, if only a little complicated. But, she did seem to be fairly nice, when she wasn't all business serious. And he did think she was pretty. Perhaps he could just play along.

"That sounds great," He said with a wink. "But what if, by some strange twist, Raven does laugh at one of my jokes before the end of the week?"

Lucy paused and placed a hand on his shoulder while once again establishing that very entrancing eye contact. Her hand was very cold to the touch, even with a layer of clothing between them.

"Didn't I hear you mention to the others that you would sell your soul?" She giggled, and Beast Boy could almost see a slight flush come to her cheeks. "I think that's fair compensation. Besides, that way I get to have my favourite Titan either way."

Beast Boy laughed, blushing slightly himself. He still wasn't completely used to having girls flirt with him. It was usually the other way around.

"Yeah, sure, why not? Do you need me to sign somewhere?" He wasn't really taking any of this seriously. Even when Lucy pulled out paper and started writing what looked to be a contract, Beast Boy wasn't too concerned. Surprised, yes, but he simply chalked it all up to sticking with the joke, and he appreciated it.

When the 'contract' was finished, Lucy had scribbled an illegible signature at the bottom that would rival those of any doctor. She then proceeded to slide it over to Beast Boy who quickly glanced over it.

He was surprised to see that it was very thorough in its description, using many legal sounding words that Beast Boy had only heard on television. The terms were all there, however, in black in white. Lucy had until Friday, five days, to help get Raven to laugh at one of Beast Boy's jokes. If she did, then his soul would be transferred to her belonging. If not, Lucy and Beast Boy were to go on what amounted to a very nice sounding date.

Beast Boy openly laughed as he signed his name at the bottom. He didn't really notice that Lucy was laughing as well.

With a promise of meeting back at the pizza shop in six days, Beast Boy paid for the Titan's meal and headed outside and into the T-car.

The Titans themselves seemed only slightly angry about how long it had taken for him to pay the tab, but Beast Boy simply explained that he had signed an autograph or two for a fan and that he was sorry.

The remainder of the day went by as any other, calm and without incident. No mention was made of the contract, and no thought of the occurrence with Lucy seemed to cross Beast Boy's mind until it was time for bed.

That was when the nightmares started.


	3. Chapter Two

This chapter has caused me a handful of problems, but I think I have the majority of the kinks worked out. What ones that are left I have planned for straightening in the next chapter. The main problem I have is that this is probably the chapter that has the least to do with the source materials I'm parodying. So, I had to continue the story, while still keeping the feel of it alive. Let me know if I was successful, no?

* * *

**Chapter Two:** The Worst Vice  
**By:** Shawn "The Unfunny Joke" Wheeler  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are property of their rightful owners.

He couldn't breathe. The smell of smoke, thick and black, choked his lungs to the point that he thought they were liable to explode. It was everywhere, stinging his eyes, and yet it seemed to come from nowhere. Surely, such smoke had to be coming from some terrible fire.

But there were no flames to be seen, despite terrible crippling heat.

Where was he? How did he get there? What had happened?

He didn't know. The only thing he didunderstand was that he was alone, and that he was never going to see anyone ever again. That thought was stuck in his mind.

_No!_

He fought to speak, but no words left his lips. The only thing keeping him from believing he was deaf was the constant malicious laughter ringing through his mind. It was never ending, never changing, and driving him insane.

_Stop it! Who are you?_

No answer. Could they even hear him? Was there anything he could do?

_Where am I?_

Suddenly, in answer to his question, the billowing smoke lifted, showing him for the first time where he was. It looked, for the most part, as if he were in a cave. The walls were blood red, and seemed to be closing in around him from all angles. Every direction he looked, he could see no exit. He was well and truly stuck.

_Who did this to me?_

The laughter stopped. For the longest time, there was complete silence. Finally, a voice answered. His own voice.

"You did."

Somehow, he knew it was true. It was his fault, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing.

The laughter began once again, almost louder than before.

And there he stood, as the smoke once again began pouring from some unknown source, completely and utterly alone.

…

Beast Boy sat straight up in his bed, eyes wide from fright. Muttering a few choice words under his breath, he wiped his now sweaty forehead with one of his bed sheets. Wonderful, it had happened again. This was his second restless night in a row thanks to nightmares.

And the worst thing was, try as he might, he just couldn't seem to remember even a small detail about what had been jolting him awake. It was like forgetting a word you knew you knew, or having the answer to a riddle on the tip of your tongue.

What had he done to deserve such a thing as this? Were his dreams some sort of karmic retribution for a prank pulled in bad taste? If so, he would apologize in a heartbeat if only to have a good night's sleep again. It may have only been two nights, but it felt as if something was eating at his very essence, and the effect was making him exhausted.

His thoughts were interrupted by the long buzz of his alarm clock, taunting him with the knowledge that it was indeed time to get up.

Joy of joys, a six o'clock training session was exactly what he needed. Surely running an obstacle course and pushing himself to his limit would be the perfect way to end his life.

Dripping with sweat, and sarcasm usually reserved as Raven's, the troubled young man peeled himself off of his bed and began to go through the motions of another day; a day that was going to involve more coffee and caffeine than normal.

…

Raven dried her hair, freshly washed from her usual after training shower. A nice, warm shower was the type of relaxing activity that could rival meditation, and a shower had the wonderful side effect of keeping a person from smelling like Beast Boy.

With that particular green person in her mind, Raven's thoughts traveled back to the session that had recently passed. All things considered, it had been one of the easiest training sessions that she had ever participated in, and she had unfortunately missed only a precious few.

And yet, Beast Boy had seemed to have had problems with almost everything he was assigned to do. He was running far below his usual pace, lifting far less weight than normal, and holding even his smallest animal forms for very short periods of time.

Even his small sparing match against Starfire had been a pathetic sight to hold. The two of them were usually quite the interesting match to see, albeit a very green one, so it was easy to tell that Beast Boy was not putting much effort behind his attacks.

Raven had her theories as to why he wasn't performing up to his usual par. For the last few nights she had noticed very strong negative emotions coming off of him, which she assumed were causing him difficulty in his sleeping patterns.

It wouldn't be the first time something like this had caused a team member to have sleepless nights, and it never tended to last longer than a night or two. If it did persist for much longer, Raven noted to herself, she would ask her friend if there was anything he needed to talk about.

Until such a time came to be however, Raven pushed her mild worry and curiosity out of her mind and focused on finding something else to occupy her time.

But what?

Deciding that reading was as good a choice as any, she sank into her floor traveling with the help of her powers into the living room. There she sat and reached for the newspaper before thumbing through it.

For the most part, she found the local paper to be a waste of time. She wasn't a fan of politics, and the majority of their other stories revolved around her and her friends saving the city from one threat or another.

But, it still wasn't a terrible idea to stay up to date with current happenings in the world. Besides, if something ridiculous like a war with the Amazonians were to happen, Raven wanted to know about it.

At any rate, she had also discovered a new guilty pleasure. It had been a fluke really, yesterday she had been looking at an ad for a sale at a store she liked that sold incense and candles, and she had noticed the small self help article beside it.

She had started reading for whatever reason, fully expecting to find both question and advice to be pointless.

What she found was something altogether different. The writer, going only by the assumed initials of LS, gave good advice and was not one to put up with any form of annoyance from the people writing in their questions. If a person was being stupid, "LS" called them on the fact while still doing what was possible to send them in the right direction.

There was something about that that struck a chord with Raven, and to top it all off, this person was apparently a graduate of a very prestigious university, working towards both a doctorate and getting a novel published.

How a writer of this much talent was forced to write something as lowly as a self help column was only a testament to the sad state of affairs in the world today.

Giving a small sigh at that final thought, Raven began to read the newest batch of questions. They all seemed typical enough, ranging from 'how to get a mother-in-law out of the house' to 'how much space should a parent give their child'. None of them seemed to be all that interesting.

The final question however, was a little different.

_Dear LS;_

_I've got a friend, and we've known each other for ages. But, there's a problem. He has this thing… where he has to constantly make jokes. It's terrible and quite straining, especially because the majority of his jokes are quite terrible._

_The problem I have isn't about getting him to stop though. Actually, he's currently mad at me, stating that I've never once laughed at anything he has said, and in fact do nothing but put him down for his efforts. He's even gone so far as to suggest that my actions have caused him emotional harm, and that he is kept awake many nights because of me._

_What should I do? I know it probably is hurting him a little, but is it really worth my dignity?_

_Thanks in advance._

_Not Laughing._

Raven read over the question a second and third time, and always with the same confused look on her face. This was…

What exactly was this? A coincidence?

More than likely it was, and Raven knew it, but it still rang close to home, reminding her of a somewhat similar problem that she herself had with her unfunny green friend. Of course, her situation was nowhere near as bad as the person who wrote the letter's was. Beast Boy accepted Raven's lack of laughing and simply used it as an excuse to continue.

Finally reaching that conclusion, she continued to read the columnist's answer.

_Dear Not Laughing;_

_Don't be stupid. At the very least, don't be naive._

_Of course it's worth your so-called dignity. Why wouldn't it be? A friend is a terrible thing to waste, and that is easily what you are doing._

_Laugh. Is it really that difficult for you to muster a chuckle?_

_It seems to me that your friend has laid it out nicely for you. He's taking your reactions to heart and is starting to realize that it, isn't worth the effort, and neither are you. If he's honestly being physically affected by the situation, then you need to be a friend._

_No, this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to hear it. It isn't like you'll be damned for your efforts, so what's the harm?_

_With a Smile,_

_LS_

Raven closed the paper and set it down next to where she was sitting. Normally, she would have simply rolled her eyes at a response like that, but she had grown to appreciate this writer's advice.

However, she reasoned, it wasn't advice to her. Yes, the person that had written in did have a strikingly similar situation, but it just wasn't the same. She and Beast Boy bickered. It was, for a lack of a better term, one of "their things". She understood this, which is why she was hardly ever as upset about the jokes as she pretended.

With these calming thoughts helping to ease the now present doubt in her mind, Raven lifted to her feet in order to head to the kitchen and fetch a cup of tea. That was exactly what she needed to put this nonsense out of her head.

And of course, it was nonsense.

Wasn't it?


End file.
